So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
based
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
😼🖥️
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.