So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
guilty
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.