So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING