so much to do
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.