so much to do
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon