So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]