Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

😤😤

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

Stop.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself