So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You Might Also Like
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My background check bounced.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.