Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.