Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

When you try jalapeños for the first time

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Love is always patient and kind.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.