Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

live, laugh, laundry.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?