Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

adam and eve had first world problems

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.