Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

How actors in movies eat their food

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.