So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
You Might Also Like
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Hotels are back
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
asked my bf how work was today
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.