So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters