So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.