So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You Might Also Like
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???