Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

I have a new favorite meme page

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet