Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag, but mine was free

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

Well, shit

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud