So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide