So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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sweet dreams💖
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
SF is the wild wild west man
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.