@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

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@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@AndyAsAdjective

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV