Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

starting a garage orchestra

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.