So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*