So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.