So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You Might Also Like
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.