So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The smoothest fall of all time
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.