So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
You Might Also Like
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
No chill.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.