So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Revenge served cold
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!