So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.