So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
