So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“OMGJK” -atheists
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
