So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“Worm Regards”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds