So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
You Might Also Like
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.