So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Had an epiphany today.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
only 11 steps left
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The Eggorcist
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea