So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
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I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy