Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Kids: Stay in school.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Had an epiphany today.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.