so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle