so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
War & Peace
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.