so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.