so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Shark week, but for squirrels.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.