So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”