So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
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Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Hot Hot Hot
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question