So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.