So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm