Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

Buck naked

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

It be like that sometimes 😆

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Great Canadian literature.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag