So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks