So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.