So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.