So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: