So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Pretty much. 🤣
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
what’s the point then??
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.