So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
The internet is magic sometimes.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My age is news to me every single time I remember