Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Here to help

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.