They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.