Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Seems a bit forward

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

this will hang in the louvre one day

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot