So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.