So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.