So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth