So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In banana years, I am bread.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.