So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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asking santa clause for nudes
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
This why you should mind your business
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.