Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.