So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.