Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him