Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Me too, bag. Me too….

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

A great first step 😂

I just ran a .003048K

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal