Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”