So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

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“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”


*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.


They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.


Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?


Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.


I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.


Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.