So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
become ungovernable
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.