My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
And then there were 4
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*