Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.