Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels