So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
You Might Also Like
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
This why you should mind your business
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.