so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Wait a second…
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder