Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.