so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
He instantly became one of the bros
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My flabber has been gasted.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.