So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Meow?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]